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Day 1 - Sunday, 6th July
7:22am (Outside Sydney)
I arrive at UTS - Broadway at about 6am to find four buses, one of which is surrounded by some of the seediest characters I have seen in a long while. This had to be the hockey crew. We all pack our stuff under the bus, being typical hockey players, our kits take up more room than our normal luggage, especially mine. Then jump on the bus to look forward to six hours of migration to Coffs Harbour.
My trip is made somewhat more enjoyable by having an attractive young lady, Jo (no-not the one from Big Brother) sit next to me. Unfortunately for Jo, she has jumped on the wrong bus (being a netball player- figures) and will have to somehow get another 20km to where she is staying, but with less than 5 hours sleep she couldn't give a shit. Travelling in a northerly direction is close enough.
I've also become acquainted with the team mascot, Larry the Lizard. Larry is a concrete figurine that I have been given the honour of guarding from abduction for Day 1.
Less than an hour into the trip, the boys start getting restless and decide to have a sing-a-lone;
"One billion, four hundred and twenty nine million, three hundred and twelve green bottles of beer on the wall, one billion, four hundred and twenty nine million, three hundred and twelve green bottles of beer….". It's going to be a long trip.
Day 1 Tribunal
Well, Day 1 is nearly over. After arriving at the Sanctuary Resort, Coffs Harbour and getting set up in our rooms it was quickly decided that the most vital of arrangements was to ensure that there was adequate drinking stores for the afternoon. Being the first day, we decided to take it lightly for the team.
Almost $180 later we were set for our night of 'light' drinking before going to the Sawtell Hotel.
This meant a few drinks (about 6 beers each) in the hour before out 'Tribunal'. The Tribunal is basically an excuse to pull people into line or point out their stupidity by advertising it to both the Men's and Women's Hockey Squads then making them scull glasses of the drinks.
Fines are issued for:
1. excessive skill;
2. incest (hooking up with someone from the university you are representing);
3. stupidity;
4. non-conversion (trying to hit on a person and not being successful);
5. sleazing (being grossly flirtatious to the point that those suspected to your actions could be classed as victims);
6. pointing;
7. speaking out of turn;
8. attempted murder of a big person (basically a big person having to do something for themselves when a small person should be doing it);
9. not calling someone by their 'proper' name; or
10. repetition (repeating either of the above offences).
So basically by the time the Tribunal has concluded it's proceedings, everyone is pretty intoxicated and ready for a big night.
To add insult to injury, following the Tribunal, the guys thought it would be a great idea to play a pre-dinner drinking game.
It seemed that Boris (later to be named 'Sphincter') was a helpless victim of the game, sculling one too many glasses of what can only be called 'crap'.
Back at the Hotel
After finishing off the rest of the drinks, we decided that it was 7pm and time to head into the pub that UTS had chosen as it's 'home ground', The Sawtell Hotel.
I would put a bet down that the hotel had no idea what it was in for when it agreed to the UTS crowd being there. I would also bet that they have never made so much business in their life; from 7pm to after midnight it was impossible to move in the place and the bar staff must have run a marathon around the bar.
All in all, it was a great night and a well spent warm up for the coming days of competition on and off the field.
Awards for Day 1
1. The Golden Spade - Tooney; a well-deserved effort for tuning just about every girl he ran into while shopping in Coffs Harbour. Definitely setting the pace for the tour.
2. The Beer Fish - Mel "Bear"
3. Bush Pig - Jo "Tinks" Wells for her repetition with Cato
Day 2 Tribunal
The usual amount of grog was coordinated and purchased by absolute champion, Mark Johnson.
It seemed that after an awful display of drink handling from Leper Boris in the preceding night, he was to be the target of an amazing amount of fines. About 20 all up wouldn't be far off. Winning the Beerfish, stupidity award and the name of "Sphincter" it looked to be another night of punishment for the boy.
That it was with the evil 'Tooney mix' that Boris had to drink. This resembled what comes out of the storm water drain after a bad week and I felt sick simply looking at it. However the amusement that a human was actually going to drink it and I could bare witness to the event overcome all nausea I was feeling.
To make matters more interesting the lights went off midway through Tribunal however due to the UTS Hockey teams determination and improvisation, a number of torches were lit and the show went on under dim light.
We were somehow able to continue the drinking and any other mischief despite the lack of light. By the end of the session, there were some that couldn’t see through their beer goggles anyway.
Following Tribunal, we continued to consume whatever remained that could be found and then walked to the bus stop to go into town for the first of the planned social events.
We all headed over to Heat nightclub in Coffs Harbour for a big night of dancing, drinking and some trouble. Being majority UTS people at the venue, it seemed that the chances of incest taking place were unavoidable.
All in all with an early game the next morning, some got back to the motel at a reasonable hour (around 2) and went to sleep, while others continued drinking, talking to basketball girls and otherwise getting up to mischief until at least 5am. It seems that Tooney was a common factor in all of the above.
Day 3 Tribunal
The charges for this night were many;
Play School and Bear charged with sleazing, incest and failure to convert.
Defence offered by PlaySchool was that the two were simply taking it upon themselves to promoter inter-relations between GNS and UTS. It was also rumoured that a repetition charge was very likely. This seemed to be welcomed by PlaySchool.
Moses and P. Diddy also charged with sleazing, incest and failure to convert.
Entered into evidence was that Moses scored during the day, which ultimately implies that he scored the night before. The court's decision was that both charges would stick.
DC and Nina ("AC") charged with sleazing, incest and failure to convert.
Unfortunately due to some shenanigans between the Special Prosecutor, Tooney, and Judge Advocate, DC, the punishment in this case was a slap on the wrist for all parties concerned.
Tooney, you're so wise and gracious.
Most defences that were offered, actually all of them except for Nina, were turned down and those that were accused were punished accordingly and made an example of to the court.
Mary was a target of the most of the night. Having successfully completed a challenge to get with 10 guys in one night and beat her record of 4 that was set the previous night.
To add to this, Mary had actually succeeded the original total of 10 that was requested and managed an astounding 12 guys in one night. The court was amazed.
Following the Tribunal, we all moved into the Coffs Harbour RSL for a dinner. For me this was a nice steak, with a side order of lamb brains that were set as a challenge to consume.
As with the previous night, we decided that Heat was the place to go for two reasons;
1) it was the only place we knew; and
2) it was directly across the road from the RSL.
From there on in, it was more drinking, dancing and plenty of what makes uni games such a great time.
Awards for Day 3
Golden Spade - Mary for getting with 12 guys in one night.
Bushpig - Mary because out of 12 one of them had to be.
Day 4 Tribunal
Again, the usual amount of supplies for the night. The theme of the night was General Consumption! After a big day at the games and looking at the chance for a gold medal tomorrow, it was obvious that this was to be a big night. Turtle happily lead the parade at tribunal, firstly by turning up late in not much other than a towel and holding a mixing jug full of bourbon and coke and secondly by ensuring that 2 minutes didn't go by without a general consumption.
UTS President, Paul "Zorba" Economides was fined for speaking out of turn even though he wasn't present when a phonecall came through on the UTS hotline.
Even the drink pourer, PlaySchool, was off his face during tribunal having to shotgun a can of beer and drink copious amounts of very random things through the proceedings. One drink aimed at a unwilling victim that contained; Beer, Stones Green Ginger Wine, Spumante, milk, maple syrup and whatever else could be found. This backfired and I had to put that one away myself. Did not feel good sitting in my stomach.
We seemed to make up for not being present on Friday night to the point that the usual amount of alcohol was found to be inadequate just lasting us until the end of the meeting.
Following a big Tribunal, we decided to go to our newfound home away from home, Heat nightclub in Coffs. I made the mistake of going back into Number 10 after getting changed to find Turtle smashed and rolling around on the floor with nothing but black briefs and also Tooney relieving himself in the sink.
Shenanigans!
Awards for Day 4
Bushpig - Play School for his efforts with the University of Western Sydney lasses.
Beerfish - Mary
Golden Spade - Leandro for getting one of the Sydney Uni girls to swap shirts in Heat and then going and lounging around with them on Day 4 at the games.
Collections for Day 4
1. Pool cue taken from Heat Nite Club, Coffs Harbour by PlaySchool.
After continuing the drinking onto Heat (again) and dancing until at least 2am, PlaySchool decided that since the souvenir shops tend to be a bit touristy, expensive and let's face it, totally over-rated that it would be a good idea to remove a pool cue from Heat as a souvenir.
While he was watched by a few stick something long and hard down his pants, and up his shirt, he continued to laugh his was out of the club, down three flights of stairs and past 3 bouncers without so much as a question.
Day 5 - Thursday 9th July
The Big Banana
Enjoying that we could sleep in for a bit longer than the previous mornings, it was good not to have to rise until 8.30am. It wasn't that good that all I had to rise from was the floor and a hockey stick bag.
As I walked into number 10 to get hold of a bacon and egg roll, we found young Cath ("Squash") with a bit mark on her neck the size of a hockey ball.
It appears that not only a guy, but also a Newcastle guy gave this to her.
Not only a Newcastle guy, but also a Newcastle Hockey guy (the same that we were to play in the grand final - thanks for the support Squash!).
Not only a Newcastle Hockey guy, but my cousin. Luckily there was to be no Day 5 Tribunal so the chance of making up a charge worse than incest was low. All in all, we might remember it for next time.
Checking out at 10am we all got our stuff onto the bus and piled into cars to head to Coffs Harbour jetty. It was a great day to be out there, but obvious that a few of us were still very seedy from the preceding night. A few group photos were taken of the Men's and Women's squads together in harmony before we went to the local café.
On arrival we happily rearranged every seat and table in the place to the order that suited us best and ordered brunch.
About an hour later in the cool sea breeze and relaxing sun, we decided to head to the Big Banana to see how big it really was and go for a toboggan ride.
Enroot to the big yellow thing Lisa, Tooney and PlaySchool traded intellectual banter in order to stimulate those brain cells remaining after the previous nights. This mainly was about how many of Lisa's sisters were single and what age they were. Then lead to a few interesting facts. Did you know that apparently 90% of massages lead to sex?
Arriving at the 'Big B.' as those who are 'down wit it' in Coffs call it, Tooney was in fine form burying his spade into any opportunities that existed. This provided for some great entertainment while waiting for our turn.
I noticed a young chap (about 7 years old) behind us laying into his little brother for some and the mum having a bit of trouble controlling the pugilist. Being the Good Samaritan I am, I decided to give the little fella some advice on life.
I tried to get him to understand that have a little brother and ramming his head into a wall would feel so good at times as well. But if I were to do that, I couldn't call him at 4am of a Saturday morning when I'm smashed and unable to remember my name so that he can tell me who I am and quite possibly come to pick me up. The young man didn't exactly catch my drift and continued to pulverise his younger brother.
Although he doesn't want to do this, knowing that I will keep redialling until he does gets him too. So little brothers are an asset that should be preserved, looked after, cared for and then exploited at every given opportunity.
Anyway, the toboggan ride was pretty dam good. As I remembers it a few years ago when I fell off.
This time I didn't falling off, being older and wiser (and more used to being in a state where I'm unable to balance). Sweet talking one of the guys at the line, I managed to get myself a second run for free. It's amazing what you can do with a flick of the hair and battering the eyelids.
From there it was straight to the hockey field to play our last game and take our chance to do what we came to Coffs Harbour to do; enjoy our hockey. We also earn UTS their first gold medal for Men's Hockey.
More highlights
-A part i know is missing is where i was passed out in the corridor outside probably on day 2 or day 3 after a heavy amount of drinking and mixing of drinks, and woke up on the floor with people stepping over me to get to breakfast (All of which you can probably get details off Tooney, Slots or Al, cos i'm not "entirely" sure of all of what happened) and for that i got beerfish on one of the nites (day 2, 3 or 4?) take ur pick.
-also in the opening match with University of Canberra - DC ended up with Shyin's blood on everything he was wearing... that'll teach the rep for not wearing shin pads
-Sphincter threatening Cato with a knife, and then proceeding meeting the whole UTS team that were staying at Sanctuary, as Tooney can also attest to from all the questions he heard the next morning about the "lunatic from the men's hockey" (Maybe night 2 or 3)... and also his efforts leading to the creation of scrambled toasted cheese, ham and tomato sandwiches.
- Cato challenging small boys to go up to a kid with a football and kick the ball away... to which the small boys didn't, so Cato took it upon himself to demonstrate to the smallboys how it should be done... unknowingly right in front of the kid's mother (who was umpiring the women's match at the time.) Someone was in for a spanking then.
- On the way back home via Pete Whitson's car, several stopages to allowing Tooney to show Pete, Rimer and myself his expert writing skills in the middle of a highway turnoff. Our final stop off at the Oak Factory Burger King at Hexham with our fellow convoyer, Dirty Old Man, Moses, Lisa, Shush and Rachel, saw Tooney have a quality dig at the BK serving chick (Chrissy if i recall) and she even let him use her microphone. Shame about the boyfriend... Seeing that there was only 3 other locals in the restaurant, The three last opportunities to spade on tour, Tooney and Pete took to keeping up the UTS - Hexham relations and were in straight away. On finding out it was one of their birthdays, (maintaining that she was 14, when she was clearly double that) all of the UTS entourage sang her happy birthday and embarrassed the crap out of her.
- Tooney going the Goat's dirty double with his ex Nanny Goat and his sister Reschs.
- "Where are we going? Adelaide!" We'll see ya there Cato...
- "Where are we going? Up.. no down... no Up the road!" It's all about relativity.
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